An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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