I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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