Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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