god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
