my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
