I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
