The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
