My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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