The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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