I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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