I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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