My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize