Pappa wants mamma naked
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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