I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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