I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
