Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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