Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
