Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
