What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
