her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
