he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize