omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
