Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
