Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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