I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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