Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
