i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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