Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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