you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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