if only i could text you this smell
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
