hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
