my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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