She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
