I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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