Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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