There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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