Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
