When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
