I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Welp...herpes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
