**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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