My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
