Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
