I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
