Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
