At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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