Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
