I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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