I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
