The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
