having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
