Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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