Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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