Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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