I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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