Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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