dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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