We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize