mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
