Swine flu is the new snow day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
