My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
