What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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